When Trust in a Marriage is Violated

Today I came across this devotional and it hit me right smack in the face!!!  Wow!!!  Is she talking about me?  It's true.......this is certainly a part of my story.  What came about to shed light on my deceit was a marriage conference.

Jer and I decided to go to the "Name" marriage conference that was being held locally.  We were new to Casa Grande and had not been to a conference such as this before. 

Everything started out fine and we were really enjoying the whole presentation.  I had taken so many notes and had really gotten in to the conference.  Right at noon when they were going to break for lunch they told all of us that in the afternoon they would be talking about finances.  Immediately I got tired and expressed to Jer over lunch that I would be ok if we didn't come back in the afternoon to finish off with the conference. 

Working full time and being busy and fitting in a conference was a challenge for us, and we can easily talk the other out of doing things because we are too tired.  In fact, we almost talked ourselves out of even going to this conference.

I believe that God gave Jer a strong spiritual backbone when I suggested we not finish the conference.  Of course, I did not tell Jer the underlying reason that I was suddenly tired and wanted to go home.  If I confessed that then I would have to confess all of it! 

I am so thankful that Jer said no, we're going to finish.  The speaker hadn't even gotten 15 minutes in to his speech and I was broken.  God had a meeting with me that day.  Face to face.  He told me it was time to lay my burden of deceit down and the burden of guilt down and the burden of the not enoughs down.........not to mention the burden of the what ifs down.........just to name a few. 

During break time with tears streaming down my face I confessed it all to Jer and asked him to forgive me and he did.  I also asked my Heavenly Father for forgiveness and to help me to keep these burdens right where they belonged.  At his feet.

Because of the choice I made that day with Jer and I working together we are now debt free except for our home.  Today I am intentional with my spending.  I think about what I am doing and how it will get paid for and do I really need it right now. 

Freeing up our finances allows us to help others.  If I added up all of the money spent just on interest alone look at the difference that could have made to someone who was really in need.

I do not live with a heart filled with regret.  I live with a heart filled with so much thankfulness!  I am forgiven and God has taken all of the burdens I left at his feet that day and drowned them all in the deepest seas never to be remembered again. 

Life doesn't get any better then to live your life forgiven. 

 

Walking by Faith,

Deb

 

By:  Stephanie Clayton

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)

Hide it! This was my first instinct. I was certain if my husband found out, he would leave me. So I rushed home at lunch every day to remove another credit card statement from our mailbox. My payments were late; fees were stacking up. I was sinking deeper and deeper into a financial and emotional abyss.

My husband was clueless about my debt ... now our debt. He never would have condoned my spending habits, as he is wiser with finances. So the spending was my secret.

Soon, it wasn't just letters in the mail, the phone calls began. I was either going to have to fess up or continue to try and hide it. But at that point, hiding was next to impossible.

I wondered things like, if I tell him, will he divorce me? Will he ever trust me again? Things are already bad, will this make them worse? They are just credit cards, right?

The regrets are many as I look back at this time. We pay high interest rates because of my choices. But even more, I regret violating my husband's trust. I created trust issues in our marriage that run deep and have required much time, effort, and grace to mend. What started out as just small pieces of plastic, ended up creating a gigantic rift in our marriage.

Trust issues in marriage can come in one form or another. There are the things that can knock us down quickly such as lying, committing adultery, and falling captive to an addiction such as alcohol or pornography. And then there are the things that chip away at trust over time like constantly showing up late, paying more attention to a phone or electronic device, cancelling date night repetitively, and refusing intimacy more often than not.

Most of us experience some combination of both major and minor trust-violating incidents unique to our marriage, resulting in trust gaps, and ultimately feelings of abandonment, anger, and rejection.

So how do we mend trust in a relationship as delicate as a marriage? Especially when we are the offender? A great place to start is looking at Philippians 2:3-4. In these verses, Christ calls us to imitate His humility. To do nothing out of selfishness, but value others above ourselves.

Imagine how your marriage would change if you and your spouse both chose to follow these principles. And even if your spouse is not on board, imagine how your life would change if you decided to consider his needs above your own?

This certainly is not a suggestion to be a doormat or endure an abusive situation. Healthy boundaries should be set if there is abuse of any kind. But what I am condoning is healthy humble behavior. Be cognizant of the words you speak to and the tone you use with your spouse. Do not disrespect him verbally. Encourage him every chance you get. Choose to consult him regarding the decisions you make, even the small ones.

Marriage is a partnership. Communicate the value and importance of your husband's opinions. The miracle of humility and respect is when we present it to others, it tends to come back to us in greater amounts.

My marriage is on the mend. I have submitted our finances to my husband. Not because he is a dictator or longs to be in control, but because he is wise in this area and leads in a way of spending and saving that looks out for the interests of our family.

Moving forward, let's choose to test our actions against Philippians 2:3-4 and try to look out for the interests of our husband, not just ourselves. A great first step is to ask for forgiveness from the Lord, be honest with our husband, and move forward together, learning from each other's trust-violating habits. Trust in a marriage is a beautiful, and attainable, thing.

Dear Lord, forgive me for hiding in the dark what should be in the light. Please prepare my husband's heart to hear what I need to confess, and give us the wisdom on how to move forward, together ... with You are our guide. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:

For over 17 years, Proverbs 31 Ministries has been a trusted friend, offering biblical perspective on marriage, parenting, friendships and more. This wisdom has been recorded in 366 devotions that unpack Scripture and are interspersed in the new NIV Real-Life Devotional Bible for Women. Click here for your copy! Finances within marriage is one of the biggest stressors. If you can relate, join our newest Online Bible Study of Stressed-Less Living by Tracie Miles. For more information and to sign up, click here.

Visit Stephanie Clayton's blog for more hope and encouragement.

Reflect and Respond:
Are you violating the trust in your marriage right now? If so, make a plan to tell you husband. If you are nervous, pray about having a third party there to help mediate.

Power Verse:
Ephesians 5:21, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." (NIV)

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